Welcome to another edition of Corporate Delusions Unplugged, our anti-corporate humor blog series where we highlight key performers from departments that don’t exist and roles nobody asked for. Today, we sit down for an annual review with the unsung MVP of our toxic office ecosystem: the janitor, recently promoted to Key Account Manager due to “cross-functional excellence” and a mysterious spreadsheet he inherited.
Interviewer: So, first off—congrats on your promotion. Tell us how you transitioned from janitor to Key Account Manager?
Janitor: It started with a mop and ended with a client pitch deck. One day, I cleaned the CEO’s office while he was crying under his desk. Next thing I know, I’m listed in the CRM.
Interviewer: That’s synergy. How would you describe your management style?
Janitor: Passive-aggressive delegation with a hint of “don’t CC me unless it’s legal.”
Interviewer: Can you walk us through your biggest achievement this quarter?
Janitor: Absolutely. I scheduled a fake Zoom meeting titled “Q3 Optimization.” No one showed up, and nothing got done. Our KPIs improved by 17%.
Interviewer: What are your goals for the future in this company?
Janitor: Ideally? To install a panic room in the breakroom. Short-term? Survive the next all-hands meeting without screaming into the mop bucket. Maybe design a line of funny workplace T-shirts for our HR department to ignore.
Interviewer: Any advice for new hires?
Janitor: Don’t sit near the sales team. Never trust a Slack message with a smiley face. And if someone invites you to a “culture sync,” call in sick.
Wardrobe Note: The Janitor arrived wearing our “We Tried It Your Way” bear shirt. A real statement piece for when you’re done trying things diplomatically.
His backup was the “Toxic Teammate” T-shirt, perfect for navigating team calls with six passive-aggressive sighs and zero action.
We’re also told he’s a fan of sarcastic merch like the “Key Account Manager” janitor tee, worn proudly on laundry day.
Performance Summary:
- Strengths: Cleaning up literal and metaphorical messes
- Weaknesses: Occasionally throws the entire process in the trash (literally)
- Communication Style: Slacks one emoji: 🥴
- Stress Response: Changes job title in email signature
Closing Remarks
At DarkTacos, we celebrate icons like the Janitor — legends who mop up dysfunction, dodge performance metrics, and somehow still get promoted. This performance review is a tribute to all of you out there wearing funny burnout shirts, emotionally unavailable tees, and toxic office gear while navigating chaos in sarcastic office merch.
If this sounds like your kind of self-awareness spiral, you know where to click.
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Because if you’re going to burn out, you might as well do it in style.