There’s a special kind of pain that hits when your alarm goes off at 6 a.m. and your brain whispers, “we could just… not.” But instead, you throw on your worn-out sneakers, tie your emotional instability into a headband, and hit the gym like it owes you money.
Welcome to the cult of fitness. Here’s your complimentary trauma.
Cardio: The Original Cry for Help
Let’s talk about cardio — or as we like to call it, a socially accepted panic attack on a treadmill. You’re not “finding your rhythm”. You’re bargaining with the universe for an early exit.
That’s why we made the Cardio Is a Cry for Help shirt. Featuring a drenched skeleton mid-sprint, it’s the funny fitness shirt you need to visually scream, “this is my villain origin story”.
Yoga: Breathe In, Regret Out
Maybe you tried the peaceful route. Yoga. The sacred space where you’re asked to “honor your body” — which is hard when your spine sounds like a microwave popcorn bag.
Our Yoga Ruined My Spine tee is for the real ones. The ones who know burnout workout humor isn’t just a joke — it’s a diagnosis.
Add the No Gain, Just Pain design for the days where you need the stretch, but also a warning label.
Lifting weights builds strength. But no one tells you that every rep also lifts your emotional damage a little closer to the surface. That’s where Fitness Is a Lie comes in — bold, sarcastic, and painfully accurate.
Emotional Reps Count Too
Lifting weights is great until you’re just lifting the crushing weight of your unresolved issues. That’s why sarcastic gym wear exists — not to motivate, but to warn the others.
DarkTacos isn’t here to make you better. We’re here to make you seen in your pain. And maybe sweat through some funny fitness shirts that say, “I’m only here because therapy was full.”
You don’t need a six-pack. You need a shirt that understands you.